State of the Union Address

(WARNING: The following contains material that may be offensive to smarter readers. Discretion is advised.)

I, the Commander and Chief of the United States of Kori, write this address in response to the rumors of surrender in our war on the fat invading our fair, and sovereign states. Yes it is true that we lost battles this weekend to an assortment of cookies, red velvet cake, and cream puffs but as Winston Churchill said, "we must learn to be equally good at what is short and sharp and what is long and tough." We first thought this war would be the former, but now it is evident that it will be the latter.

Long and Tough.

In truth, history has proved that the U.S.K. is kind of slow in the head so we think it is safe to say that, with time on our side, we can win this war!

(...what can I say? It's not like I'm on the biggest loser, so don't judge...)